ravenbeauty87

hey guys! I’m still alive, there is too much for me to catch you guys up on. It’s been sort of a dark time for me. Anything and everything has happened but in all that I managed to lose weight! I feel so much better, I can do a 9 hour shift at work and I don’t hurt as bad as I use to. The other night I was only suppose to work 8 hours and I worked 9 because I felt great! Get ready for this I’ve lost 23lbs!!!!! Let me say it again 23lbs!!!!! I never in my life thought I would lose that much. Granted I went from 188 to 176 over the summer but then I just stayed the same weight for months. Of course I gained a lot back but Jan. I got myself down to 165!

It is still very hard but when I look back I didn’t change that much but I did lol I know I’m not making sense. I’ve finally understood portion size. I do not count calories (I do a rough amount in my head though) I learned that, that was way too much stress. I do weigh myself every morning but I don’t get mad if it says I gained a pound because I know now there are so many factors to weight gain and most of the time, now, it is water weight or I ate heavy the night before. I eat before I go to work, I eat a snack at work and when I come home I eat a small dinner. I’m sort of following the diet french women do (not to mention my ancestors were french so I was like what the heck) I eat a large amount at lunch and eat small the rest of the day. I didn’t take everything out I love. If one night I worked my butt off at work I get a candy bar (just one this time compared to three like I use to). I drink a pop every once in a while and most of the time it makes me sick so I don’t drink another one for a month or I take three days to drink one (still love the taste of the Dew lol).

No more taco bell for me! The reason is one I didn’t have the money to spend on fast food and two a girl I worked with got Hep A from a fast food place. She was only 18 and it got so bad she had to get a liver transplant. I got scared and I guess it ran through my body and I don’t crave it anymore and I’m so happy and my body thanks me.

I’m still having trouble with accepting my weight lose. I know 23 is a lot and granted no one has given me a compliment. I had to tell people I lost the weight and they didn’t say much. They probably think I’m going to gain it back. Yesterday the size 16 pants I had were too dirty for work. I found another pair that was a 14 and I was like “No way I can wear these yet” and guess what! They went on and I could still breathe and I was able to work comfortably.

I know that I’m still overweight for my size and I can’t prance around in the clothes that I was use to but I’m so much closer. I grab things out of my closet and feel how they are getting looser and I’m happy about that. On here I say that my long term goal is 115 and I know I can do it but I’ll be happy with 130 so I’m now 35lbs away from my goal rather than 58lbs from my goal. OMG I just realized that YEAH!!!!

Things have been crazy. James has been out of work for months. I can barely make the bills. I’m already behind in school. Since I’ve been gone my parents finally finalized their divorce and my grandma kicked my mom out so she came to live with me (with her three dogs, not to mention my two dogs) the landlord (which is sort of family) almost kicked me out because of all that. For the most part she stayed with her boyfriend and in the three months she lived here she only paid one months rent. She moved out and um left her damn dogs. I think I found a new apartment but I’m getting too excited because they may already be gone So yeah not to happy right now but I’m still down to 174.

All in all I’ve lost 14lbs. Why am I not that happy about it. I’ve made it way passed the 188 I use to be. I guess it’s because I just don’t see that much change. I know 14lbs wasn’t going to take me from a 16 to a 2 but still. Has anyone ran into this slump? I’ve been realistic about this whole weight loss thing but still. Plus the most I’ve ever lost in my life has been 8lbs so what is my problem lol?

I guess the thing that is in the back of my  mind is I wanted to be 140 again before graduation and I just don’t think that’s going to happen. I mean that’s 34lbs I have to lose by the beginning of December lol. I really haven’t seen that much change in my clothes. Especially one day I was wearing this shirt and I thought I was looking good till I passed a mirror at someones house and I was like OMG I still look like that?!?! I know, I know it’s a slow process but I’m getting frustrated.

Plus Halloween is coming up, a friend and I are suppose to go out but I’m just afraid I’m going to be uncomfortable all night. Which I shouldn’t be because she is much larger then me and she is wearing a costume that I’m way too nice to tell her other wise lol.

So yeah just tired…. how is everyone else doing?

So you guys remember how my scale was broke. The last time I had weighed myself I think I was in the 180’s again. Which became very depressing needless to say. So I was able to get another one and of course I figured I had gained or been around 183 like I always am. I nearly passed out. It said 178! I was like WHHHHAT I yelled for James to come over and he said “I told you, you lost weight”. So two days later I weighed and BAM 177 I was like no freakin’ way. I haven’t been working out. I really haven’t been eating “right” but i’ve been taking Alli. So my theory was right Alli really does work. So I take it at least everyday, I try to take it every time I eat but I forget but it is still somewhat in your system and helps.

I know it isn’t much of a loss but still I’m in the 170’s again and it is steady not jumping around like I use to. Granted if I start eating better and working out and well as taking the Alli I can’t imagine what will happen but for the time being I think it is pretty damn good.

I’m going to my home town tonight to see my mom and I’ll try and get my bike out so I can ride it in the country so that should be fun.

Anywho just wanted to update!

I know I haven’t been on forever and I really do miss you guys. I’ve been so busy with work and there has been so much stress. James lost his job so i’ve been so depressed. I pretty much sleep all day and then go to work and come home and sleep again.

 As for food i’ve been doing a lot better. I stopped eating out. When I do eat something bad it’s only a little bit. Working out has been zero but I work retail and all I do is walk around for 7 hours.

 I don’t think I lost any weight (my scales broke) but I think that is best. Every time I weigh myself and I don’t lose weight or it says I gained I would eat more so its really good that happened.

 I really wish I could workout before work but i’m so tired and my feet hurt so bad. I know that I would lose weight faster but its hard. Then when I get home at 11:30 pm working out is the last thing on my mind and when it is dark outside I just get sleepy.

 It felt really good at work the other day. One of the girls called me over and asked me if I lost weight. I had only been eating right for a week and she didn’t know I was trying to lose weight. I keep telling myself over and over “if she thinks I lost weight after a week of doing good just keep doing it and imagine what she will say in a month”. I’ve made sure not to tell anyone i’m on a diet because they would watch you closely and that is too much pressure for me lol.

I figured, I can either be depressed every day and eat whatever and be overweight or I can make little changes and lose weight slowly but at least good to my goal. It’s so hard and why does food feel like a drug to me?

 Lol this blog is all over the place but I figured I needed to post something so my buddies on here know i’m alive miss you guys and I hope im not too tired tonight and i’ll write you……  or you can write me lol you know you want to JK

I’m doing okay for once. I’m happy to say that i’m maintaining my weight. It’s funny when we are happy about that lol. My job is going a little better. I need to back off a little because they told me I’ve learned faster than anyone else and by telling me that I think I turned into a bossy bitch. It is well known that, now, I know more than all the managers about photo so when trouble happens they can help me but they usually can’t fix it unless it happened to them. Now when they come over and tell me what to do I sound bossy and start telling them what to do. I need to stop because that is why people hate me sometimes. It’s just really hard when you know how to fix it and you see someone struggle haha.

I was so excited yesterday, I went down and saw my mom and there was a new clothing store. I knew they had nice plus size clothing so I was like hey I need a new outfit. I find this cute ass black jacket (quarter sleeve and cut off at the ribs). I was like wow it fits but what to wear with it. Next thing I know I look over and I see a black and white corset. Now due to PsychoBetty talking about her corsets i’ve been dying to get back into them. Now granted this corset was ‘normal’ size. I was getting my hopes up so I rushed into the dressing room. As I tried to get it done up it didn’t fit and I started to get upset. After looking at it there was a damn bow and after I untied it IT FIT!!!!!!!

My mom and grandma hated the outfit but my mom is like a barbie (nothing wrong but it shows her style) and grandma is just weird lol. I was so happy all day long. Not to meantion I went and got my haircut. Its a strange style. When its down its like the emo/punk hair cut but then its cut in a way that when I pull it up I have a bettie paige look going on!

I was going to get my haircut and new clothes after I lost more weight but I never treated myself for the ten I’ve already lost. Plus with the new hair I just feel better and feel like I want to work harder to lose weight. I think my next reward (if I have the money) is after I lose 20 I’m going to get another tattoo on my other foot (its weird having one on one foot and not the other haha feel unbalanced) but its going to suck because i’ll have to take some days off from work because it makes me swell like someone hit a hammer on my foot hahaha

Um Thats it for me but i’m finally getting in a better mood!!!! Miss you guys!!!!

I started thinking this morning about all the times I tried to lose weight. A year ago I would only eat 800 calories and me and this girl workout together for over two hours a day. That was a awful thing I did but I lost 8lbs (granted as soon as I ate like a normal person i gained it all back). Then when i was a senior in high school I would eat one apple and a serving of chips and salsa. I lost 8lbs but that was unhealthy as well. To this day I’ve lost 10lbs (even though I count at least 3 of it to water weight). Why is it that I don’t see that as a achievement? If you pick up something that is ten pounds you have to think ‘I use to carry this around on my body’.

I’m just getting frustrated with myself because I don’t understand why, when I lose over 8lbs, I do something to screw it up. Thanks to this site it has kept me on track. I just know that when I lose 20lbs i’ll still think its not that much. I think why i’m mad is because there are girls on here that lose 10 or 20lbs and you can tell. Like its a big difference. I’ve lost 10 and all I can tell is I can wear this one shirt without have a huge bulge. I told someone at work that I lost 10lbs since I started working and they go ‘oh really?’ and they said it in that way like ‘yeah she is lying’. James has made comments and I’m very happy for those comments but still you want more people to notice.

My dad hadn’t seen me since I lost the weight and he didn’t make a comment till he was about to leave (not to mention I told him about the weight lose before he came and saw me) so I think he just said it to make me happy.

As i’m writing i’m thinking of other reasons as well. I’m still just so uncomfortable in my own skin. Its starting to get hot in my area and I still wear long sleeves to work. They keep telling me to buy short sleeves but I lie and say i’m hot because the photo lab is next to the cooler. It’s really hard to push yourself when you see the number drop but you see not changes (or very little). I know that if I keep going i’ll see a certain change and it will kick me in high gear and i’ll start losing even faster.

So tell me if you ever had these feelings

Sorry guys, i’ve been sort of depressed and haven’t gotten on the Internet at all so I forced myself to get on, on my day off. Well, Walgreens has been working my ass off lol sort of. Thanks to them I lost 10 pounds so I shouldn’t complain too much. I’ve stopped losing weight (i’m thinking because I started my period and I always gain 2lbs before my period, yeah sucks I know). I’m thinking my body got use to working so i’m starting to put workouts in. I’m so tired though its hard to wake up on workout when I just want to rest before work.

I haven’t been eating much (mostly due to money issues). I get paid Wednesday but it always scares me going to the store. You guys know what i’m talking about we all do it. We buy our normal stuff, get home, and then we want to sit there and graze and taste everything we have bought haha.

Well, i really don’t have much else to say so i’ll try to get on here more but not promises lol

Okay, yeah, I’m a little confused. This morning I figured I would be about 180 or 181 (even though I was 179 yesterday). I didn’t eat well yesterday and I physically didn’t get to do what I needed to do. So I got on the scale anyways and I screamed WTF! It said 178!!!!! Hmmmm I’m happy but confused at the same time. WHY IS IT DOING THIS?

                All I can think is since I’ve been working my butt off at work and eating a certain amount of calories. Since I rested and ate more my body took over? I don’t think that makes since but, now that I remember, my body was like that as a teenager. If I pick at least one day and eat what I want (okay I meal that I want not everything). I lost more weight.

                I guess that is what I’ll do now. On one of my days off I’ll just walk a little and eat a ‘whatever I want’ meal. I guess my body needs a vacation as well. Also, it may be because I let go of a lot of stress or something.

                Lol it is so funny to be happy with your body and pissed at it, at the same time. Tell me if this has happened to you

PS. James is noticing I’m losing weight without me telling him. I want to tell him when the scale changes but I have to keep the conversation like this “Honey have you lost weight?” “Oh, I don’t know, I guess. I really don’t look” hahahaa yeah I’m weird

Hey guys, well I told my mom about not graduating and going back in the fall to finish and she was fine with it (can’t remember if I wrote that in the last blog). However, I haven’t told my dad yet and, I’m not freaking out, I just really really don’t want to tell him. We live a hour and a half away so it’s not like he can come over and yell at me hahahaa.

I got on the scale today and it said 179. It is so wonderful to see another number (as long as it’s going down). I understand that tomorrow it could be 180 or 181 but at least I saw 170’s lol. Today is my day off so I’m going to start taking water pills again (maybe every other day or less) and I’m starting to take vitamins. James said it is really helping him so I’ll give it a go. I’m going to start on my Alli again to help.

I’m still not counting my calories (except a quick rundown in my head) and it has really been helping me. I’m going to take my dog for a walk today so I’ll count that as my exercise because I still have to come back and clean the house and then go to the store. It is funny, at work, they will ask me to do something and I could just get a cart and put everything in it and then go back to the spot and put it up but I like to get as much as I can hold and just go back and forth so I can walk more. I only do that when I’m busy and my bosses are like “why the hell are you making it so hard on yourself” and I said I need exercise and I don’t mind.

They don’t get MAD but they get frustrated but that just showed me out society wants you to look a certain way and be a certain weight but when you try to make those changes they look at you weird. I didn’t let that get me down but you guys know what I’m talking about.

I was getting upset with myself yesterday about the whole school thing but I missed a test today and there is no looking back. I don’t know why I’m upset I’m really not doing anything wrong. So I looked on the bright side. Every time I have graduated (high school and OSU) it has been SO hot. This time it will be in December and it will give me plenty of time to lose the weight hehehe. Weird way of looking it but it helps me. It’s just really going to suck May 8th when I know everyone is walking across the stage and I’m not BUT in December I’ll be graduating with some girls I really got along with so that will be fun.

Okay, I look like I’m just trying to convince myself lol

Okay, I’m to the point where I just want to pack up my things and move to Canada and tell everyone I’m okay but not tell them where I’m at. I’m not going to go into details because it’s too long but I pretty much dropped out of school. Okay, not forever!!!! I only have two classes but they were the worst classes I ever had. Between my parents’ divorce and them calling me up and stressing me out. To moving in with my boyfriend and getting a new job I just couldn’t take it. I saw my teacher that gave me bad news about my senior paper and then I went to class and just sat there thinking to myself “I’m struggling so much. I can’t even read a chapter and understand it. I’ve been going to school almost none stop since I was 5. I would much rather stop now and pick it back up in the fall and finish strong then produce this crap I have now.”

                People are telling me it’s a good idea and others that it’s bad and I won’t go back. First off I’m doing this for me! I’m doing what is best for me! Screw what everyone else thinks. It’s easy to tell someone “You can do it” when you’re not in school and you don’t have a shit load of stress in your life. I’m smart, I know, but I’m not THAT smart. I can’t go to school none stop. My little brain hurts lol. Not to mention I will go back. I’ll still graduate in 2010 like I’ve told everyone. I was going to take a year off before graduate school anyways so it’s not like I’m behind now. So anywho I’ve told my mom and she just said “You gotta do what you gotta do” Dad is going to flip but whatever he’ll get over it.

                As for my weight, it has been a solid 180 for a while. Which is great, I’ve been eating okay but no work outs. Now that I’m “out” of school I can start working out. Best of all I can start playing my video games. What’s funny is I lose weight when I play those games because I don’t snack lol but don’t worry I’ll work out before I play!

                I’m so excited I get my first pay check today. Which sort of sucks to because it’s already gone, I have to pay back a friend and bills, stupid responsibilities. UMMMM I suppose that is it. I need to check out some peoples blogs! Talk to you guys later