ravenbeauty87

                I’m really disappointed in myself, however, and I don’t want to start a blame game but I was put in a circumstance that I couldn’t help. School has been killing me and I just haven’t found the time to work out. Then, I’ve had no money, when I say I have no money I mean NO MONEY!!!! All I’ve gotten to do is pay my bills and put gas in my car. James got a job at KFC and if it wasn’t for that place I would have no food. For over a week he has brought home all those nasty sides and that’s what I’ve been living on. Thank god he got his pay check so now I can eat better. I can’t wait to go to the store and get fruits and veggies my body is hurting without them.

                My body feels sick and I haven’t had the energy to do anything. I would sleep my weekend away. I know I’ve gained weight but how could I not. I just feel like blubber. It really shows me why people in poverty are overweight. It is so much cheaper to get unhealthy foods. I went to DHS and signed up for food stamps I got denied because I didn’t have a job. If I get a 20 hour a week job then they will help me. That is bullshit!!!!! I can’t find a job so you mean you won’t help me until I have the means to help myself FUCK YOU!!!!! I thank God everyday that I had the money and had James to pay my bills or I would be back in my hometown and I graduate next semester so I couldn’t afford it….

                Just a little depressed but it will get better. So I’m not dead and I still love this site just been really stressed…. Miss everyone!!!!!

I love the biggest loser, I love what it has done for so many lives on the show and off the show. However, I’m a little pissy at them. I was at Wal-Mart getting some vitamins and I turn around and saw Jillian Michaels on the cover of something. Since I like her I went over to see what it was. It was a body cleanser, calorie booster thingy and something else. I was really sad when I saw that because I just watch a old show of her saying that “water is the best cleanser not any of these body cleansing stuff”. I know money is money and if you put me in the same position and offered that kind of money I would probably take it lol but still it is sad because whatever the biggest loser puts their label on people are going to buy because we have put so much trust in them. Granted the stuff isn’t bad they are protein mixes (not a big deal), cleansers which I’m sure are just a high price water pill, and other things that some people may want but def. don’t need.

                Besides my water pills I’m trying really hard to lose this weight on my own without any help from pills and supplements. Since they are cheap I want to try and take green tea tablets just for their antioxidant and hey if they help my metabolism then great but if not at least I’m getting some kind of benefit (yeah I like to drink the real stuff but blah I can’t find a kind that I really like). If I lose all this weight I don’t want to tell people that I got help from all this other crap I want to say it was me dieting (well, more like changing my eating habits) and exercising. ::sigh:: I’m, besides food, a strong willed person and when I believe something I stick with it. If diet pills worked obesity would not be a problem in America. But even I get caught up in the commercials and the websites. The packaging looks oh so pretty. The only pill that I think works is Alli because I have some I took them for a month and they did help me boost my weight loss but JUST because of my personality I got lazy and would just take the pill and not work out so that is MY FAULT not the pill. It was a crutch for me that I did NOT need at this point. Anywho some people really hate the pill but I think it is just because they didn’t follow the rules and got nasty side effects lol I never had a problem because I was too scared to go against the rules hahahaa.

                Okay, don’t know the point of this blog, other than it was a rant about shows that get peoples trust and take their money. But it is America and that is how it is.

Oh speaking of the BL I saw the ep where that guy drank water so he would weigh more this time so he could lose a lot the next time. THAT WAS MESSED UP!!!!! I was so mad lol yeah I get a little emotional over stuff like that. But hey would you not be so mad if someone did that to you while you were on the show. I would kick him in the nuts!!!! <~~~~~ huh Paula lmfao

                Really don’t know what to say. Frustrated, yet again, with everything and I don’t know what to do. I’m eating more, which at first showed progress, but I get on the scale and it said I was back at 172. I just got over my stupid period so I went out and bought more water pills and if that works then I know what the problem is. I’m just not seeing any changes and it is getting depressing. I feel like a broken record but I’m still going to work out I’m still going to work hard but it is very upsetting.

                Another thing that was kind of a slap in the face was the biggest loser. I was watching some old episodes and these two girls went home for 24 hours. Okay they worked their ass off in the gym for 6 days and went home for one and then lost NO weight. Hmm yeah doesn’t make me feel good lol.

                I’m not stressed, Yeah I’m a little stressed with school but I know it’s not affecting my weight. I eat my fruits and veggies and whole wheat stuff (yummmm whole wheat). I did do bad last night and had 4 bite size (the tiny tiny ones) of Halloween candy and they weren’t even that good BUT how the hell do 4 bite size pieces of candy throw me back three pounds. ::sigh:: just complaining. Nothing much I can do I’m working out and doing everything I can with the time I have so I’m just going to be consistent and hopefully change will come.

So the last few days have been crap. I made the mistake of having a beer at the rob zombie concert and then afterwards having taco bell. Yesterday I thought I would do better but I went to the QT and we all know the bad stuff they have there. ::sigh:: it is like things are getting better but worse at the same time.

                James finally got a job, so of course I’m thrilled about that. For some reason he has had a bit of an attitude but not a big deal. Then I have all this school work piling up and is getting a bit stressful but if I just buckle down I should be fine. My diet is just getting harder because I’m getting into that slump where I think I’ll never be skinny again. When I went to all these concerts I saw all these girls and I use to be their size and I would just get so depressed. When I went home this weekend I would hug my cousins and they are so skinny I looked like a giant. On top of that James and I were talking and he said at the concert, when he went outside, girls were flirting with him but he just walked on. That did not upset me I just made the mistake of asking him what they looked like. Instead of him just saying, oh they were cute but not a big deal, he had to go on about how little they were and how they dressed and how hot they were.

                I’m really depressed because someone made a comment on how I use to dress up all the time. Yeah, who wants to dress up when you are so uncomfortable in your own skin? I just wear jeans and big ass t-shirt because I’m so depressed. I’m just in a rut right now and I hope I can get out soon!

                I’m having a weird good and bad day. I started my period but then I weighed myself and I lost a pound. I’m 169!!!!! What did I say? Woot woot I’m 169 lol okay enough about that. I’m working out before I go home tonight. Tonight I’ll get a subway sandwich so I’m not worried about my intake today. I won’t be able to work out Saturday so I’m going to cut my calories just a bit (probably about 1400 or 1500 depending on how much I do that day).  I can’t believe eating more causes you to lose weight HAHA!!!  The only thing that sucks about being 169 is I know that it will go up and down and I’m going to hate to see 170 again but that is just part of the process. I’m really surprised I lost weight on my period but I have been taking my water pill so that has been helping, and it has been making me feel better so I guess I hold a lot of water anyways that sort of sucks but whatever lol.

                I feel so sorry for James because I say and ask loaded statements and questions. He made a comment like “Oh, when you get down to your final goal weight, you think I have my hands on you all the time wait till then” I gave him a funny look and he looked like a little kid in trouble he was like “yeah, I shouldn’t have said that.” I didn’t get mad because when I met him he was way skinny and he has gained over 10 pounds since he has been with me. He looks so much better but he is flipping out because he is scared he will get heavy (he has never worked out on his own except when he was in boot camp) I tell him it hurts my feelings when he gets on the scale and it says a weight that is WAY lower than mine and he calls himself fat. I understand where he is coming from when I was 155 I thought I was supposed to be 105 so I would call myself fat but I would never talk about my weight with someone that was clearly overweight that is just wrong.

                Hope my weekend goes good I hope everyone else does well. I get to go see Rob Zombie Sunday and then Gwar (a heavy metal band) Monday WAH SWEETNESS!!!!

                I’m so damn pissed right now. Okay, I work out at night, it is what I do I always do it and I like it. I can’t do it in the morning one because I don’t want to, and two I can’t go to bed early enough to get up and do that early of a workout. I live upstairs in this old Victorian house that they made into apartments. The down stairs apartment has been vacant for a few months and I just got my elliptical back a few months ago. This new guy moves in and now I’m worried and nervous and it makes me scared to live in my apartment.

                It started off, James was over here and I was playing a computer game. He knocked on the door (he knocked so hard I thought he was the police) all he was asking is where the light switch was for the laundry room, not a big deal because it is in a weird place, and really that was it. James leaves about 10 minutes later to go feed his dog and I just put my shoes on to work out. He lightly taps on the door.

                It was him again and it made me really nervous. Why is it right after my door opened and James left he came up here? He told me the light was burned out, which I already told him that, then he got this weird look on his face. As I’ve said I’m a psychology major so I’m starting to really read body language and the way people say stuff (of course I’m not saying you can’t do this unless you take psychology classes but you know what I mean). He was sort of nervous acting and he asked me “Is everything okay?” WTF why would you ask me that? I told him yes and what did he mean. James stayed the night last night and nothing really happened. He told me that he heard someone yell OMG and then he heard coughing all night. Okay I have asthma so I cough in my sleep and James is coming down with his yearly cough. I told him that and that we are taking medicine but there isn’t anything else we can do.

                He started telling me about medicine and all that mess and its like dude are you seriously disturbing me at 8:30 pm about a cough you heard. This is apartment living you hear people coughing, screwing, and moving there isn’t anything you can do about it. He said he was worried and pretty much said that he thought James was hurting me. Granted if James wanted to beat me up he could. He is a really small guy but we have played around and I really tried to fight back and I lose BADLY but other people don’t know that, James is a very little guy. First off it is really none of your business to ask me stuff like that. I mean yes it is nice to have someone stand up for women but he doesn’t know what’s going on. I don’t know I just think he was over stepping his bounds.

                The first time he came up he was looking all around my room and it made me nervous then when he came up the second time he was doing the same thing. Then he started saying that he use to be in the military and he was over in Iraq so I’m starting to wonder if he has PTS or some other mental problem that causes paranoia. He said he heard noises like furniture was being moved all night. I don’t know what the hell he was hearing because the other guy that lives in the house works at night.

                James finally came home and I was on the phone with my mom telling her about it. James had this weird look on his face and started to tell me as he was leaving out the door he asked him where he was going. WHAT why the hell would you ask someone you just met something like that. Then when James came back he said that he was walking all around the house and outside the house. WEIRD!!!!!

                When we were still talking he asked me which car I drove and such. I’m so freaked out I’m going to call my landlord (the people that own the place is a nonprofit business so there really isn’t a landlord just a bunch of people that take my money, I interned there so I know them personally so that is nice).

                I’m the type of person that I don’t want to start trouble and I don’t want them to say anything but they need to know just in case something else happens. He just said a lot of weird things that didn’t add up and sometimes he would sound fine and then other times he would ask weird things that were none of his business. Then he complained on how dirty the apartment was. They cleaned that place for two weeks and put down brand new carpet and he complained about how dirty it was. Just doesn’t add up and so I’m being very cautious.

                James just lost his apartment and now he is living with me and I’m so scared he is going to tell my landlord that he lives with me. I mean I can lie and say no he lives with his parents he is just over here all the time but still I don’t want to lose my place. I’m over reacting I know but it is all just too weird and now I want to buy mace or a stun gun hahahaa.

                Oh anyways let me relate it to my diet. My elliptical makes noise when I use it (and I use it for 2 hours) and so now I have to find a new hour to do my stuff and get him to leave me alone. AHHH why is everything standing in the way of me losing weight!!!!

                So I started the, eating more as I workout more and not just working out and eating 1200 calories. When I would eat 1200 and work my ass off and I would weigh myself it would say 171 or something. I ate 1800 or so and workout out for 2 hours and it said 170. Yeah that don’t seem a big deal but it is going down. I was so scared to get on this morning because you just get that mind set of If I Eat Less More Will Come Off. I’m trying to get more workouts in but something always seems to get in my way and I hate working out in the morning. Like I HATE it! If that was the only time I had to work out I would just stay fat, I will rip someone’s head off in the morning.

                When I say I’m getting stressed about school it is not stress that will affect my weight or anything. I just look towards all the work I need to do and I freak a little. I still have a 15 page paper to write for this one class. Okay, I know that sounds huge but it really isn’t. The stress is finding the material to write over and if I just buckle down and freakin’ do it, it would only take me a few hours lol. Then I JUST found out about this one paper due in two weeks and it is 6-10 pages. What is stressful about that is I’ve never wrote a paper for this teacher before so I don’t know what he looks for. Plus it is over something sort of confusing but I’m sure it will be fine.

                It sort of sucks I have all this work but I still need to go to my hometown this weekend. I figured I can work out Friday before I go, I won’t be able to Saturday, and usually I would say I’m going to work out Sunday when I get back but I’m going to a Rob Zombie concert and I’ll be way too tired for all that lol so maybe I’ll get a workout just bouncing around. Then I have another concert Monday night so I’ll try and work out before I go to that one.

                So I hope everyone else is doing good!

Okay, I’ve calmed down and rethought a lot of things. I found out that I will be graduating next sem. with a bach in psychology and I only have to take two classes, so i’m really happy about that. I’ve made the choice to eat about 1800 calories a day and just do my hour or two on the elliptical, my aerobics, and go for a nice walk. If I don’t lose anything then i’m thinking about going to the doctor and talk to him and ask his opinion.

I found a new reason, and I feel works better for me, to lose weight. Many may think this is wrong BUT just hear me out. I was doing it so I can be sexy again and love my body, in a sense i’m still doing this but not so much. Then I was doing it to look good in pictures and my clothes again. This can get me off track because if one day I dress up and look really good my mind tends to go “hey, I look great I don’t need to lose weight”. Now i’m doing to show all those people that think I can’t and then throw it back into their face. I have so many people that think I can’t do this. They think that when a person gains weight that their life is over and they are just going through life because they have to. No more, revenge is a very good motivator for me HAHAHAAHA

I’m really scared about eating this much but i’m going to eat a lot today (well more than what i’ve been doing) because i’m like, why not what i’ve been doing before isn’t working why not try something new. Plus when i’ve been working out lately i’ve been so damn tired and it makes sense now my body was starving. ::sigh:: change scares me and on top of that I feel like the last couple of weeks have just been a waste but I can’t say that because it got my body use to the machine and the workouts. One person, not on here, told me that if I workout over two hours a day that I wouldn’t lose weight. I understand if I don’t eat enough but that doesn’t make sense because the trainers on the biggest loser workout their people 4 hours a day. Whatever, I’m going to do my own thing! Of course, with the great advice you guys have given

Very, very frustrated right now (and annoyed and any other pissed off word you can find)!!!!! I know this is a slow process. I know that this takes a lot for a person to completely change their lives, i’m not stupid. I’ve been doing this for over two weeks and I started off at 172. Okay, I don’t expect to lose like the people on the biggest losers but this is week two and I got on the scale and it said 171!!!!! WTF i’ve been working my ass off, parking my car farther away so I get more walking, eating right, and even when I do ‘over eat’ it is with good foods but I stay within 1500 calories. My work outs burn over 800. I don’t know what to freakin’ do!?!?!

In two weeks I gave myself a realistic goal of being 170 (or at least 169.9 or something) but no! I understand that if you eat salt you’ll hold water and all that but I make sure to take a water pill when I know the foods are a little salty. I didn’t build muscle so I don’t know what the hell. I’m going to continue with my lifestyle but i’m just really upset!

 I drink plenty of water (i’m peeing every five minutes for god sakes) I work out, I sweat, I get my heart rate up. What else is there for me to do! Before I would just throw my hands up in the air but don’t worry about that I just need to figure something else out. I guess i’m just going to have to workout more? The only medical problem I have is asthma and I don’t see how that is affecting my weight because I got that under control

::tear:: someone give me a hug lmao

This is going to sound like i’m upset or frustrated, I can’t say that i’m NOT but it is just something to keep me on track and will be REALLY funny in the long run. My aunt saw me at walmart. I haven’t seen her in forever and she was about 400lbs, she got the surgery where they cut your stomach in half or more I believe. So now she is in the 200’s. I was in shock and we were all talking about it. Well, her son is obese and his twin is very skinny (so is his little sister) he is about 10yrs old. He turns to me and says “last time I saw you, you were skinner and taller” okay the taller part doesn’t make sense but when you gain weight it makes you look shorter so yeah I sort of understand. His mother flipped out. She got on to him because she couldn’t believe he said something like that. One she had been obese, two he is obese, and three he gets made fun of why would he do that to someone else. Well, it is true I was skinner (I believe 20lbs) and he gets made fun of all the time so he probably thinks it’s okay to tell the blunt truth lol. I was a little upset at first but after I got away from them and made sure I didn’t start crying I started thinking.

“I really needed that. I know i’m overweight but sometimes I think i’m not that bad until I see pictures. Then when I see pictures I think it is just the angle or the that cameras always as 10lbs (or more haha)” He just put it in my head that yes YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT! KEEP DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

All in all he was very upset at what he said to me. I told him that it is okay but be careful what you say to others and I made sure to tell him I still love him. I guess i’m not so hurt because he wasn’t doing it to be mean.

I’ve been doing well and my workout is good as well. I’m just upset that i’m still 170 I just knew that when I woke up that it would say 169 but sadly it didn’t but that’s okay it will just keep me working harder.

 This part has nothing to do with my diet or whatever but i’m just upset over. TOday I was thinking. I’m 22 and my parents are divorcing. I shouldn’t be too upset because i’m not even in the same town that it is happening it. Then I started thinking. We will never sit down at a dinner table and eat again. We will never go out and have fun like we use to. When I make plans for the holiday I have to split it up. Who am I going to see on Christmas eve and who on Christmas? And many more things. It’s just all so sad but it is for the best. Just something I have to get use to and I hope it happens fast!

 Hope everyone is doing well. If any of my buddies writes a comment please tell me if you have a new blog or something. I’m awful at checking everyones profiles and I feel bad when you comment on mine and I haven’t on yours!!!!!